My very excellent daughter Meri created a blog which outlines her experiences training for the USMC Mud Run on April 21st. (http://sexlessandcynical.blogspot.com/2012/01/amateur-amateur-runners-creed.html) Part One is her Runner's Creed, a humorous, though serious, statement which summarizes what she WILL and WILL NOT do in her efforts to train for this event. Good girl, Mae!! I am so proud of you, every step!!
Not to be out-done, I have written my own credo, based, in part, on my daughter's. It outlines what I WILL and WILL NOT do when running to train for the mud run event. Let me share it with you all...
I, TriXXie Sugarbush, being of sober mind (right now) and soon-to-be-solid body...
WILL NOT be ashamed of my spandex capris with the hole in them or my dog chewed running shoes.
WILL NOT make eye contact with other runners... Mostly because I never see any out here. But if I do, I will cooly glide by, unnoticed, just another middle-aged sweat machine on a sandy trail.
WILL NOT be ashamed of sweating --- I'll just say my dog got too close when she shook herself off from her swim in the pond. Or that she pushed me in the pond. Depends on which mile.
WILL NOT use a treadmill ... There will not be a treadmill in the mud run. Instead, I will run in the rain, cold and wind. Even if it gets down to a frosty 50 degrees, I will run, dammit! I am committed!!
WILL NOT think about how I look like a fat middle-aged cow being chased down the trail by a turtle.
WILL NOT be deterred by hills, mud puddles, big barking dogs or the smell of Gravatt's dining hall when chicken is frying.
WILL NOT be afraid of snakes. Wait. Yes, I will. I WILL be afraid of snakes -- I will run faster!
WILL NOT be too lazy to stretch after my run. At least, not if lying across my bed is called stretching.
WILL NOT listen for cars coming down the road. I will obliviously run in the middle of the road just to piss them off.
WILL NOT make this about weight or... Nevermind. Yes, I will. My insurance will go down $20 a month if I lose 20 pounds, so yes, I will make this about weight. I am too under-insured not to make it about weight. Dammit.
WILL NOT forget my iPod because I would otherwise have to listen to myself heavily plodding through the sand and breathing like a moose in heat.
WILL NOT count .... on passing out. Or dying.
WILL NOT whine. Whining is for whiners. I hate whiners.
WILL NOT make excuses for myself, my speed or my condition. I am too old, too fat and waaay too cynical to care what people think about me anyway. This is all for me.
WILL NOT stop running... at least until I have to pee which, being an old woman, could be forty eight times before I get home.
WILL wear makeup when I run. I am a proper Southern girl, after all. We don't leave the house without makeup.
WILL focus on keeping up with my puppy. Even when she's swimming.
WILL look where I am going so I don't fall into the lake or a big hole in the road.
WILL drink lots of water before and after. And beer. LOTS of beer.
WILL explore new paths in the woods. Unless there are big dogs, big trucks, skaggy toothless big rednecks or ugly mobile homes involved. Then I will stay on the main path. And run faster.
WILL enjoy nature and sunshine and the joy of my puppy. And any hot athletic guy who happens to run past. woof.
WILL smile and try not to barf, hack, spit, cough or wheeze when I pass people along my way.
WILL also train by doing boot camp three times a week. And many arm lifts at home. With a beer. (Hey, don't knock it! Beers are heavy!)
WILL make it through my workout uninjured. I don't need to be fast. Fast is for pussies. It takes a real woman to run slowly and look super cool doing it.
WILL feel superior to anyone not running. At least until they pass me. Then I will criticize their ass.
WILL make this about becoming a stronger, healthier person ... who also happens to be VERY, VERY HOT, superior to all slothly humans and a guilt-free beer drinker to boot.
WILL taunt Slag (my sort-of-ex-not-so-ex-dear-man-friend) when this is done. Just because he'll still have to chase my new badass hot self and won't be able to keep up.
WILL be alive when this is done. And better off for it.
WILL keep running. To the end of the street. Or maybe that pine tree way down there... no. No, not THAT one. THIS one. THIS pine tree. If I can make it... If not there, then at least home again and to the refrigerator.
WILL have a very smart ass. Okay, okay.... a SMARTER ass. And a very hot badass ass, too. :-)
April 21st, we're comin' for ya!!!!